Log in

07:38pm 29/05/2012
  I am terribly lonely right now.  I started dating again, especially after I discovered Adam dumped me for his ex. 

It brings out my issues about being worthy of being loved.  It brings out my issues with feeling uglier than sin.  My brain tells me that I am being stupid, but my emotions and depression tell me differently. 

I am having a hard time keeping my internal monologue shut off. 

I guess I am just a headcase.
09:11pm 04/02/2012
  I feel like a teenager who got her heart broken.  I feel stupid and erratic.  I will have great moments that I undermine myself by doing something like checking facebook.   
10:27am 22/01/2012
  Sometimes I forget how horrible I ma and think all is right in the world.  Then I get a moment to myself and realize that I am just a big ole fuck up.   
10:30pm 31/08/2011
  So I was thinking today how friggin lucky I am for my experiences.  I am lucky for my friends.  I am lucky for the job I don't like. 

I have met some amazing people in my life and gotten to do some amazing stuff.  I know this is probably the happy high from all the estrogen pumping through my body right now.  But I just wanted to be thankful for once instead of whining. 

People tell me all sorts of nice stuff and I never really listen until they get to an insult or improvement.  I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am not as repugnant a human being as I feel I am. 

I also need to stop being so damn afraid.  Mostly of hurting my family or myself. I haven't been in a real romantic/ lust/ love based relationship since college.  I have had a shit ton of great friendships that occassionally got hormone influenced.  I just keep looking at all of my friends and see how much they have lived and are living and think about how chicken shit I am.  

I just needed to say thank you for being as awesome as you are. 
04:22pm 27/04/2011
  Damned if I do.... Damned if I don't .....would love to just get rid of this depression  
07:47pm 25/04/2011
  Depression sucks!  
02:58pm 27/12/2010
  Feeling really friggin lonely right now.  No real reason other than the fact that the guy I am attracted to isn't attracted to me at all.  
11:56pm 19/12/2010
  I feel like poop.  The guy I am into is totally not into me.  We still hang out and I enjoy it but he is at just friends.  I still want my own classroom.  I am just confusde and somewhat upset and do not know what to do about it  
07:00pm 16/08/2010
  Good lord..I wan t to work now and it is so hard not to be working  
10:54am 27/11/2008
  Happy Thanksgiving!  There are a lot of things I am thankful for and not so sure I deserve but one of the things is great friends like you.  
09:02pm 20/10/2008
  I wish a lot fo things.. One of them is a wish for clarity in my own brain.  I just feel lost.   
     Read 1 - Post
11:50am 16/09/2008
mood: depressed
In between getting passed up for work  and the craziness at home having to do with grandma's stuff.  I feel realllly  insufficient.  I need to figure out a way to make dessert for 60, get a job, have my parents let go of me enough so I can move, and run a team that is so full of drama. 
07:06pm 07/08/2008
mood: anxious
So adding on to stressers is that my aunt died.  I am going up north and really excited about seeing my cousins.  I finally got the room painted from deep cave bordello red to mint green.  This means I am can finally start moving into the house.  Which is entirely exciting for me to even contemplate.  I am just concerned with my friendship with Ange  I really want to keep a good friendship but I don't want to be taken advantage of.  I also need to know what our agreements are.  I am worried about a lot of stuff that I know will be better in the end... the new team, moving, and job stuff.  I really need to find a stable job or I will only be able to afford living out of the house for a year.  I need to lose a lot of weight because I am currently horribly fat and overweight.  I think moving out will be better for me because I will need to pay for food and I don't have that much money... sort of a starvation system. 

I know I am terribly blessed to even be able to move out and go different places.  I also knwo that I have great friend and I need to focus on this...

Good things ... good things ... family and friends
10:32am 17/03/2008
mood: amused
FYI...it is really fun to see relatives you haven't seen in at least 10 years covered in brown paint. Hug them heartily and THEN realize you are covered in not wet but still poo brown paint.  Much joy is to be had
09:44pm 14/03/2008
  YAYYY Tomorrow is workshops and we have a fence!  
     Read 2 - Post
09:00pm 11/12/2007
   3 days... 3 days...3 days...3 days.....I am the teachign zombie  
06:21pm 26/11/2007

Ever just knwo that you are messing up big time and not knwo hwo or what is going to happen?  I have that lovely feeling right now. 

     Read 1 - Post
05:04pm 24/11/2007
mood: contemplative

Hey all this is my personal list fo things I am thankful for.

I am thankful for:

1. MY WW/PB homies I wouldn't have made it this far without the humor and loving you guys give
2. Still having a kick ass granny who is a complete lady who says the occasional snarky remark like...I am 94 and I can pick it up why can you?

3. Being able to stay with my rents until I have enough money to rent/ buy a house on my own
4.  All of my understanding friends who only hear my kvecing on LJ and rarely hear when I have fun because I am so busy having it
5.  Having a job.

11:16am 23/08/2007

My  identity has been stolen.  I feel like shit.  I have a parent that is driving me up a wall because she wants the team to be my life.  Oh and I am a moron. 

04:36pm 29/05/2007

IT ISN'T DEAD!  My car is okayyyyyy!